Ageism and unexpected connections
That pesky thing called a birth certificate and ageism.
We are told not to judge a book by its cover which of course when it comes to books is a paradox. We make our choices online almost instantaneously by that very thing but when it comes to people we try these days, not to judge. Hmm.
"I’m not judging you" is a popular refrain these days and if I'm being
honest, one I struggle with.
I absolutely don’t jump to conclusions as I used to. I’m much more mindful
and sensitive to the world of possibilities that may have occurred for the
person in front of me to look and act the way they do.
A far cry from the days when walking along the street with my mother in the
1970s would say, just a little bit too loudly…Ooh, the sights you
see!
Now that I reflect on those days,I realise she was always happiest finding
fault. A default setting you could say. However, a habit that didn’t really
register with her as a bad thing.
One of my very early faux pas comes to mind on this subject.
Picture this: I arrive via the back entrance to the large property as
instructed.
Sitting at the kitchen table, hunched over a newspaper is an elderly grey
haired lady.
I enthusiastically introduce myself, shake her hand and say. Lovely to meet
you. No need to get up. I’ll just get my bag out of the car and then you can
tell me about lunch.
At this point the inner kitchen door opens and in strides another elderly
grey haired lady. The lady seated, waves her arm in her direction.
This is the lady you will be looking after…!
How to make friends and influence people…not.
I don’t remember now if any of us laughed ( I probably did) in between
mortified apologies.
I don’t think that particular carer and myself stayed in touch.
As so many clients needing live-in care have already reached their 90’s you would
imagine they are pretty much ‘set in their ways’ and why not?!
From experience though it’s not always the shared interests that make that
invaluable connection between client and carer.
Sometimes, new interests can come out of nowhere.
I have a passion for architecture and shared this interest with many a client over
the years, male and female, one of whom said when a friend of mine said, I
understand you were an architect?
No, she replied firmly, I am an architect!
However, she could not bear my favourite tv programme, Grand Designs.
They make so many mistakes…apparently.
A shared sense of humour and getting to know the person, not the age, goes a long way in creating long lasting relationships with our clients.
Another client listed her passion for music but I soon discovered she didn’t like it
being played in the house - only in concert halls.
So in the same way that age can be merely a number it seems shared interests aren't
the foolproof answer either.
Although shared passions can obviously overcome the gap between stranger and long
lost niece or cousins as the age gap gets shorter, I still think adaptability and a
similar sense of humour is ideal.
Adaptability for a carer to remind themselves that they are a guest in someone’s
home is still paramount. Just as long as there are no obvious health and safety
issues, it’s best to go with the flow.
But how to quantify a sense of humour though, is a tough one.
After thirty one years of caring for people around the UK I have to say that
the north/south divide is still evident although always happy to be proved
wrong.
In other words, people in the Midlands and the north west wear their humour
upfront.
I’m not really sure why this should be but I think it can go a long way to
‘hitting it off’ with someone when the same things seem funny.
So whilst some clients love to hear about carer’s adventures others simply
want life to carry on as normal. They need a carer who offers support
without overwhelming the client with information or suggestions to do things
differently. If it aint broke, don’t fix it!
Probably a northern expression?
Then of course there are clients who love to share their passions.
That is one of the great things about this way of life. You suddenly find
yourself interested in a new hobby thanks to someone possibly twice your
age.
My biggest surprise was with a client many years ago who through her
obsession got me interested in football! I recall at the time my dad thought
I had been cloned. Plus, he was actually quite miffed that a stranger had
managed something that he failed to do.
Ageism is daft. Life is about shared experiences. Both ways.
As live-in carers we have a golden opportunity to share and broaden our horizons whilst knowing that we are being worthwhile and making a difference however small.
Meanwhile, when the client is English may I suggest you make ‘the perfect’ cup of tea then all will be well.
I had an aunt whose three grown up children and numerous grandchildren who could never quite get it right.
Sometimes, you can’t win but we do try.